A pile of books

So, my mother was wading through all the junk in storage and amongst the junk, 70 per cent of that junk, consists of endless piles of books. Some of which I have come across and generally seem like a good read, others, not so much.

It's actually quite emotional going through the books as it reminds me of where we were as a family. These books date back to the late 80s (ownership that is not necessarily the publishing date).

Let me 'write' you through a typical find.

Bluff Your Way into Management 
The Facts on Holistic Health and the New Medicine - Can You Trust Your Doctor?
Should Christians Drink?
The Ultimate Guide to the Internet for the Christian Family 

Quite a find isn't it?

Now, How to Bluff Your Way Into Management was either my father's or one of his many friends he stored a lot of things for. This did have me chuckling for a few seconds. I mean, really? The Bluffer's Guide? And if you look carefully at the picture above, you can tell it's a dated book considering the red brick phone plastered on the front cover. Well, I guess it has a catchy title, it made me want to read it. It turns out The Bluffer's Guide has a collection of books, the equivalent to the 'For Dummies' collection.

The Holistic Health book was probably my mother's, considering she is a trained nurse. Interesting find. I've been hearing the word 'holistic' repeatedly for the past five months. I'll give this book a go...it's a short read, thankfully!

Should Christians Drink?

Well, the tag line is a total give away - 'The Case for Total Abstinence'. This could be either my mother's or father's, considering they were both very active members of the church and we religiously had to attend almost every day of the week. My mother, a children's Sunday school teacher and my father, a minister.

I say drink and be responsible. So much much for church and a book.

Interenet for the Christian Family, this was definitely bought in the early 90s when the internet was introduced to us, ordinary folk. I have come across a few of these internet guides around the house. It was fairly new back then, it sounds hilarious doesn't it - a guide? For the internet? But a Christian Guide??? That just takes the biscuit and it's 401 pages long with a glossary. Ok. I'm done.

Rant

Disclaimer: It’s 6:08 right now in London. If you’ve had a successful run, you are listening to J Cole Born Sinner and generally feeling progressive, successful or just in a good mood…don’t read any further. Judging from the tittle, clearly I am feeling a little defeated. 

I must say for the past 2 weeks, I’ve had a fairly regular attempt at jogging. I can’t jog for more than 5 minutes but at least between the stopping and gliding my feet across the concrete paths of The Common, ever so slowly, I just about bagged a mile. How do you sweat from that? LOL Well I managed to…muffin top, love handles and all that lagging behind me. 

Halfway through my run. I sat down on a bench and listened to Rich Niggaz by J cole: 

Who you had to kill, who you have to rob/Who you had to fuck just to make it to the top dammit.

Head in hands I realised this guy is reminiscing about his past; all he can talk about his experiences, from show to show, hotel to hotel from another first class flight to another. I wondered about  my amateurish criticisms about how bad the world is, how difficult the system is, how the government is a dead end solution to the supposed ‘chaos’ of a world we are trying to control in the name of ‘democracy’. If I finally do make it to the ‘top’ (whatever that is?); what will be my response to this post in 10 years’ time?

All these applications, set back upon set back because I’ve bought into a dream. A dream? This is a planned out execution of survival plan C. Revising goals and mapping out my next move so one day I can recite Rich Niggaz and can only relate because the mortgage payment has left me penniless for the rest of the month.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself ‘How bad do you want it?’. What have I done to show that I want to meet this goal? How hard have I worked? I can’t really remember the last time I’ve had to prove that I’m perfect for something. I’m comfortable in my space but then again I am not. I think I’m mentally accepting of my situation because I know whatever progression I make, the fear and anxiety of failure will always be there. It’s a healthy thought; it’s what makes you ambitious. However, it’s also a double edged sword and it’s all down to you.  The responsibility is yours and the only person you can answer to is yourself and yet again that same anxious feeling can stop you dead in your tracks. 

I guess I’m growing up. Everyday my lines etch into my face, overthinking and less doing. Doing and not thinking enough. I’ve Learnt new lessons because I never paid enough attention to detail.  I’m waiting for the day I get it right and my life is balanced out and there are no surprises. I prefer to sit on the edge of my seat because of effort and time; waiting for feedback because I’ve put something out in the universe rather than collecting a week full of wasted days. 

This has happened to me. I’ve sat and hours and days have passed and I can’t account for anything. What exactly have I done today? Nothing. That is such a disappointing reply. Fine. You’ve worked all week your tired and you’re taking a break. LOL I’m always taking a break and I promise myself I’ll do better. I’ll do better. 

I don’t hope and pray anymore. Only in arguments I sit on the fence. In work there is no neutrality, you either do it or you don’t. I’m not sure where this post is going. But I have found the best way to avoid being bitter and curling up in a pity party is to work! Whatever it is you want to do or you are supposed to do, do it! When you are active in your achievements, you have less time to worry about the unknown. Stay focused. 

An Unsuccessful Run

I've bought the gear, the running gear that is. A branded pair of leggings and running trainers and they are used from time to time.

And recently, I plucked up the courage to squeeze myself into those spandex of tights, squeezing my cellulite thighs into them and attempted to run in broad daylight. I must say when I see an overweight individual running alongside the common, I think it is wonderful. I cheer them on in my head but then I see their hanging bellies chugging along and wonder if that is me.

Am I one of those out of breath runners people stare at in pity? I mean last saturday morning I barely ran half a mile. For about 10 minutes, I ran halfway to the common from my house, walked the rest, well into the park, put on my mean mug and jogged, slowly. Is that jogging or walking really fast with a spring to your step? No, it was jogging because I did break into a sweat after a while.

After 3 minutes, I stopped. I couldn't breathe. I really don't know how to breathe when I am running and I did scour the net for techniques beforehand. I typed in the search engine "how to breathe when running"..."breathing + running + stretching + warm up...". Evidently, none of the advice worked and my research later on revealed, I had a headache because my brain was starved of oxygen.

Closing my mouth and breathing through my nose proved challenging, especially when a stitch decided to pierce my side and ran through it.  Never mind my knees. I stand at 5 ft 7. Not tall enough but enough to struggle with appropriating a decent stride. How do you do that? How does one jogg effectively, better yet, properly?

I need a trainer.

I have some questions.

How long do you run for when it's your first time?

How do you force yourself to continue?

How do you run without headphones in your ears and stay motivated?

How do you run without thinking of the many passer-bys  staring at your wobbly ass? I know they do it because I do it too.

I think most of these questions are self conscious issues and motivational problems I need to tackle and it can only be dealt with when I run.


However, I was proud of my 5 -10 minutue half jog. It's Wednesday. I might even try and jog this evening. As long as it's dog free and it doesn't slobber over my spandex. Yes, that happened!

Kosi

DISCLAMER: IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED READING AMERICANNAH BY CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHE. EXIT THIS PAGE NOW!!!

I have mourned the ending of Americannah and I have carried the characters with me. Now I am psychoanalysing my life, relationships and job prospects in the eyes of Ifemelu, affectionately shortened to Ifem. I remember the calmness of Obinze in past lovers and ache for a union such as theirs. In fact, I have almost come to despise the main characters because their love story seemed realistic and somehow  they managed to triumph over their obstacles in an inception(al) ending – get it? (Terrible. I know) This is something I am yet to experience and truthfully I am closest to that of Aunty Uju and Kosi.

Kosi is the nonchalant wife to Obinze in later what can be described as an unhappy marriage. I entitled this piece Kosi because I am all for the underdog. We all root for the underdog from time to time, the person who has all odds stacked against them but you are supportive regardless. Think Arsenal fan, you’re out of the premier league, Chelsea are to play against Queen Park Rangers (QPR); you root for QPR, the underdog.

I am not a pretentious housewife and I am aware this story is fictional but I still rooted for Kosi. I deliberately tried to like her and identify with Kosi. I imposed her story on myself; the housewife who  is fully aware she has bought into a dream that her husband never wanted. 

Why?

As much as I love to play devil's advocate and run to the defence of others. I think sometimes we deem ourselves undeserving of fairy-tale endings. We know we are settling or whatever feelings we have for a certain person may not be mutual but we stay anyway because it’s the ‘right’ thing to do or we are satisfied with what we have. Kosi likes her life but is insecure within a limited kind of love (check out James Blake) and guards her marriage ruthlessly (no single ladies allowed in her house) but she is hopeful. I do not pity Kosi’s character; I get it. These love stories in books and in movies are hardly going to translate into reality, so why bother myself with the complexities of it, isn't life complicated enough already?

Kosi may not have been an intellectually inclined ambitious career woman and all she seemed to be was a domestic goddess with a pretty face and that is enough for some. I believe Adichie was tackling the cultural landscape of Nigeria, which stamps on their women this notion that your ultimate goal in life is marriage and children, to be a helper to your mate; compromising personal gratification for an image. I believe the character Kosi, knew of the other types of women who defy those ideas and fight against those traditional beliefs which she chose not to challenge. Sometimes it is enough to be neutral, to "sit on the fence" and excuse one for not being opinionated enough. It is also acceptable to hold opposing views. Kosi knows what she wanted, a comfortable life and she got it. Only that her husband expected her to suddenly change from her self-absorbed materialistic self ,after they married and wounded up not unhappy but not entirely sure of his marriage.

I rooted for Kosi even though I wouldn't necessarily follow her idea of what a marriage or what life in general should be like. For all the Kosi(s) out there…not willing to politicise everything and would rather stay glamorous and cook, find yourself a mannish 1950s somebody and runaway from indecisive romantics like Obinze. There are plenty of men out there who want you to be subdued and mild. But thank God towards the end, Obinze realised that Kosi wasn’t some empty headed bimbo, she had some intuition and in fact it takes a certain amount of intelligence to watch all the bullshit go down and still hold it together. We said our vows, now let us be miserable together.

I mean…I rooted for Kosi, the wife but mistresses and past lovers be winning.

Let Hair

Tolani walked up the grey and yellow tinted steps, holding firmly to the bus' bright yellow banister. Despite taking caution, her legs failed her as she smashed into the grey plastic surface behind a seat. One of those days Tolani thought to herself gritting her teeth, closing her eyes shut and willing the pain to exhume itself from her knee. The bus continued to jerk around as it was met with speed bumps. She didn't bother to pick up her bag. She just watched the worn green handles bounce around in a synchronised fashion, wondering if the left and extremely frayed handle would make it through the day.

 "St Matthews Church". The bus announced solemnly. "Late, late again." Tolani murmured to herself.

 "My menopausal state and uninspiring first from Newnham College has not prepared me for your perpetual lateness and phenomenal display of disorganisation..." Mrs. C's rants were legendary. Tolani was either going to be her next target or faced with a locked door.

 Clambering down the stairs in an attempt to catch her next bus. Pop! Tolani lifted her bag off the ground and held on tightly to it, clenching her underarms in race for the number 2. 10 minutes to the gate she thought as her phone vibrated, indicating her final bar had disappeared and was left with a blinking red outline. Breathing deeply, a Herbal Essence mist wafted past her. A lady had unraveled her bun. She watched as the woman tosseled her hair  about and proceeded in styling it back to its original state. Tolani stared therapeutically as she caught all the escaping strands until all she saw was the brown spiral, and then finally a glossy brown patch of colour which soon became a blur.

 "Upper Tulse Hill..." the bus cooed mockingly. Tolani squeezed passed the passengers and headed for the gates. She ignored the front desk's glare and walked briskly but had to stop to readjust her bag. Thankfully the classroom door was locked and she headed for the toilets.

 "I look so tired..." she whispered, analysing her reflection, clear face, bags, wonky eyeliner and hair, just hair, a lot of it. "Grrr!" Tolani growled. No glossy strands here. Her bun wasn't straight, her hair was a combination of regrowth, riddled with thinning permed split ends. Pulling out her hairband painfully, the elastic etched away by her brittle hair.

 POP!

 "For fuck sakes!" Tolani exclaimed. Walking over to the radiator, bent over looking for a spare hairband. None today I guess. Only me. Leaning back to stretch as she held on to her hips, making sure she heard at least 3 cracks before she continued to drag her fingers into her thick entangled hair. You know what? I can't be asked. Tolani stormed out of the bathroom and returned shortly after to collect her bag.

A Wedding Song

It's a day before my friend's wedding...I'm not sure whether I'll be called up to sing but this is what I have thus far...

I crossed an ocean, I crossed a river to get to you
It's written in the stars, it was inevitable
The people I meet the paths that I cross
And I still found you...

It's sounds good when sung I guess lol

The To do List of Life

I guess I've pretty much neglected this blog but I'm back...

I've been writing for Afriversal, a blog about all things African in the UK. Check it out!

But I definitely have a lot more to write about and this is where my new project comes in.

The 'To Do List' of Life is a concept I recently came up with. Yup, I had a light bulb moment and this is normally where my problems begin...I have an idea.

I thing we all have a long  list of things we want to do, whether it be a SMART goal, dreams and aspirations we haven't gotten round to yet.  My 'To do list' is endless and I guess I overwhelm myself because I want to do everything and I can...but there is a time and a place...

I am creating a subsidiary site dedicated to this project...noting my milestones in completing these tasks.

I'm not talking about taking out the trash or finally getting round to cleaning my room (will never happen...I need mess to work...but I do take out the rubbish). I'm talking major projects like completing one of my short stories, going to the studio and recording a song...learning how to sew a dress out of the material my sister bought from India type of tasks.

As you might have gathered, I am the artsy and creative type and I am bursting with ideas but it takes me a while to get to end product or I get a little frustrated and postpone but not anymore! I plan to be diligent for the rest of the year and actually finish some of these projects.

So follow me on my journey, tweet me...tumble your way into my life...facebook...call...bbm. me...comment and support me on my journey.

More details to come shortly.

Amusan