Biology

I know I've been battling with myself. My mind runs wild but my body tells a completely different story or rather my body reacts to these battles and all I have to show for it is a couple pounds of fat around my mid section. I've chosen to ignore my body because I have my "rules". These "rules" (a better word would be "principles") are set up to better myself or at least for me to appear a certain way. For instance, don't lay down with a man unless you can afford a pack of condoms. If you have to scratch your head after looking at the price of sanitary towels, forget it my friend. 

I'm 27. A lot of time has passed and I am still not at the place I want to be at financially and in terms of accomplishments, I am far behind. I've recently taken time out of "life" (how do you take time out of life? - we'll get to that) because I felt like I wasn't being my true self or rather I was turning into something I no longer recognised and I disliked. This dislike of myself now meant I was putting up walls, blocking certain aspects of my growth, so I would appear principled and responsible.

What am I talking about?

Part of my character requires me to take calculated risks but another part of me impulsive. I'm talking about love. Nature vs nurture. I am soft but I am temperamental. I like the idea of love and legacy but I am scared of childbirth and a vacant partner. 

I've reflected back on my parents marriage and I am envious of it. I believe I can have the same too but I want it to be better. My mother chose my father even though she was advised against it. She loved my father enough to procreate with him, even though his time on earth would be short. He mattered to my mother, not his viable life span. My father breathed and she was in love. My father loved my mother, she was intelligent but didn't necessarily have the means to explore all her options academically. My father was into literature, mythology and legal language. I've come across some of his written sermons. He had an amazing mind and I saw something in my mother but to be honest with you, I think it was down to biology. My mother saw my mother's lean frame, her hips and her calm and measured nature. Till this day I listen to my mother's sultry voice, I admire her calmness and I know where my hips come from. They overlooked each others flaws because of love. 

I meet potential partners all the time - that's my ovaries talking and I hate that part of myself. I feel like when I meet these men, I  am a walking billboard, I'm constantly auctioning myself off. Whether I like it or not my body will always be a point of contention when it comes to the male gaze. I am not for every man but I am for someone and I need him to be attentive. 

My body has to be noticeable before he can even explore my earning potential and level of intelligence. I am not the smartest and I am not a big earner but my ability to produce offspring....

I don't want to be known for the children I gave birth to. I do wonder about my mother, even though I am a product of love, am I all she has? What were her goals and plans before my father? Was the Lagosian housewife dream hers? Is it mine?

I've had a friend of mine recently reappear. I'm pretty sure he knows I am open for a relationship with him but he has always been cautious and with good reason.He always comes back to peak into my life, to see what I am up to. Can this be the mother of my child? Can she hold down a job for more than a year? Does she know what an anaconda is? (inside joke). Can she break down a simultaneous equation to a 9 year old? Please play Sam Cooke's Wonderful World here or Beyonce's 1+1.

I like intelligent men, I like philosophers. How can I demand of someone what I am not myself?

I will constantly be playing catch up to someone who is better than me. It makes me question myself and why I don't value what I have.  Maybe I need to evaluate what I am attracted to in men. Is a man settling when he chooses me? If I am choosing someone who is just as principled and as calculated as I am, breathing is not enough. For me to notice he had breath, meant I heard him speak, it meant I admired his perspective or I loved the way he put words together or I am intrigued by his library. My library is lit and my cursive is banging! Please ignore the words "lit" and "banging, future long-term partner. 

For you to exist and for me to love you as you are, it's not how you look, it's you, what you say, your character, what you do. For men, I find it to be the same but the looks department is a thing. My looks department has been waning as of late. My break on "life "meant I paid off my bills for 6 months and willingly entered a hole of depression. The black cloud returned and I wanted life to stop. I literally have a bucket list of things I want to do and I will happily die afterwards. That's my mind speaking but my body wants this man to choose me, not my potential, not my child bearing efforts but me. Nothing but me. I've warned this man, when you enter this sphere, my life, my world, you know exactly what to expect and I'm not here for friendship alone. I will not be friend zoned in 2017.

I've read "We Should All Be Feminists" and yet on the most basic level, I really just want one man to notice me.  I know Adichie does not dispel the inclusion of men, for women to experience equality in totality. Don't come for me! Although it is so strange, after education, power, money, some of us just want to nurture. Why am I so ashamed of this form of womanliness?

Just Stan

*This is not a review. 

Yes! The Yonce is back. Nah...let's stick with Beyonce. The 14 tracked, self-entitled album dropped unexpectedly this week and you noticed. I certainly did. I was honest with myself and I watched all of Blue Ivy's mother's videos and I listened to the entire album twice and found myself repeating "Partition", "Drunk In Love", "Pretty Hurts" and "Flawless" of course. . I was particularly interested on how Beyonce managed to clear a sample from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “We Should All Be Feminists” TedxEuston Speech. The Queen Mother of Contemporary African Literature agreed for her voice to be used on Beyonce's trackFlawless/Bow Down? It was so deliciously paradoxical.

 It was one of the main reasons why I decided to listen to the album. Initially, I thought of it as a marketing ploy, to draw in a new kind of audience. I’ve never known Beyonce to be politically inclined, only in her days of Destiny Child when it was cool to be pro something. To be fair, we did see some humanitarian world effort with “I Was Here” but wasn’t she asked to do it?

The videos and production helped a great deal and encouraged me to listen to the album and I made sure I listened to it without the visuals; I didn’t want to overlook the lyrics.  The frivolousness of pop culture has been criticised over and over again, which has caused me to deliberately seek out music that is pleasant to my ears sonically and is somewhat meaningful. We are entering a golden era of music which focuses on the conscious and lyricism. Beyonce never had those two. It’s now a fad to make music that means something in pop besides being gimmicky and sexual and Beyonce did all of the above.

The album had been painted as her most daring album yet, almost revolutionary. I had to find out what the fuss was all about. This was an honest album and we actually got to hear an opinion from beyus, some soul, some heart. I prefer her rachet (the slang term for the American underclass) and beautiful, I couldn’t help but reflect on the lyrics of “Pretty Hurts” “What's in your head it doesn't matter”. This line was meant to challenge society’s obsession with image, particularly with women but in the context of lyricism, I prefer Beyonce just beautiful, her efforts for feminism is commendable but it didn’t do much justice with the simple lyrics. If you’re going to be a feminist, do it right!  Who am I to criticise the award winning, chart topping African American female singer? Too much good is going on here for me to criticise and I felt snobbish in that single moment.

We box artists into genres that when they try to evolve, it’s painful for us to accept that change. 

I said that like I cared. Absolutely not! 

In Beyonce’s case, it’s not only that she was innovative in dropping her album with no middle man involved, out of nowhere and had the number one selling album across the globe on Taylor Swift’s birthday and lives up to her message in empowering herself as a woman (key word being herself, please read on). The only thing evolved about this album, is how it was released and how she managed to bite into every past time artist’s style and get away with it. She carried all her influences and updated them in today’s music using the hit makers such as Pharrell, Timberland, Justin Timberlake, her husband, Hit-boy, literally and as a noun. Note; none were female (excluding the visual cameos). It was still a Beyonce album; only she was more open about her sexual exploits. That was the message; why are you crucifying me for being sexually confident? I am a grown woman, let’s challenge the whole landscape of feminism in this America/World and stop messing with my ‘new’ money. I am happy and I am fucking. All wonderful messages that need to be discussed. No sarcasm intended. I really meant what I wrote.

It's a polarising piece of work and Beyonce Knowles is a polarising artist; you either accept her for the artist she is or completely dislike her (I am trying to avoid the overused word, ‘hate’). I've never met anyone who picked and chose songs on a Beyonce album until now.

I will try not to be classist and like some of her songs and try not to think too much about the lyrics. After all, I understood all she had to say and I was entertained, that's enough right?