Disclaimer: It’s 6:08 right now in London. If you’ve had a successful run, you are listening to J Cole Born Sinner and generally feeling progressive, successful or just in a good mood…don’t read any further. Judging from the tittle, clearly I am feeling a little defeated.
I must say for the past 2 weeks, I’ve had a fairly regular attempt at jogging. I can’t jog for more than 5 minutes but at least between the stopping and gliding my feet across the concrete paths of The Common, ever so slowly, I just about bagged a mile. How do you sweat from that? LOL Well I managed to…muffin top, love handles and all that lagging behind me.
Halfway through my run. I sat down on a bench and listened to Rich Niggaz by J cole:
Who you had to kill, who you have to rob/Who you had to fuck just to make it to the top dammit.
Head in hands I realised this guy is reminiscing about his past; all he can talk about his experiences, from show to show, hotel to hotel from another first class flight to another. I wondered about my amateurish criticisms about how bad the world is, how difficult the system is, how the government is a dead end solution to the supposed ‘chaos’ of a world we are trying to control in the name of ‘democracy’. If I finally do make it to the ‘top’ (whatever that is?); what will be my response to this post in 10 years’ time?
All these applications, set back upon set back because I’ve bought into a dream. A dream? This is a planned out execution of survival plan C. Revising goals and mapping out my next move so one day I can recite Rich Niggaz and can only relate because the mortgage payment has left me penniless for the rest of the month.
Sometimes you have to ask yourself ‘How bad do you want it?’. What have I done to show that I want to meet this goal? How hard have I worked? I can’t really remember the last time I’ve had to prove that I’m perfect for something. I’m comfortable in my space but then again I am not. I think I’m mentally accepting of my situation because I know whatever progression I make, the fear and anxiety of failure will always be there. It’s a healthy thought; it’s what makes you ambitious. However, it’s also a double edged sword and it’s all down to you. The responsibility is yours and the only person you can answer to is yourself and yet again that same anxious feeling can stop you dead in your tracks.
I guess I’m growing up. Everyday my lines etch into my face, overthinking and less doing. Doing and not thinking enough. I’ve Learnt new lessons because I never paid enough attention to detail. I’m waiting for the day I get it right and my life is balanced out and there are no surprises. I prefer to sit on the edge of my seat because of effort and time; waiting for feedback because I’ve put something out in the universe rather than collecting a week full of wasted days.
This has happened to me. I’ve sat and hours and days have passed and I can’t account for anything. What exactly have I done today? Nothing. That is such a disappointing reply. Fine. You’ve worked all week your tired and you’re taking a break. LOL I’m always taking a break and I promise myself I’ll do better. I’ll do better.
I don’t hope and pray anymore. Only in arguments I sit on the fence. In work there is no neutrality, you either do it or you don’t. I’m not sure where this post is going. But I have found the best way to avoid being bitter and curling up in a pity party is to work! Whatever it is you want to do or you are supposed to do, do it! When you are active in your achievements, you have less time to worry about the unknown. Stay focused.